I love Limericks. They’re meant to be brief, rude, and funny. They’re also very playful. Sort of like tweets, but in rhyme. Here are a few I’ve written over the past year or so:
A compulsive “hygienist” named Anne,
Married an equally fixated young man,
And as this story begins
She gives birth to twins
And names one Spick and the other one Span.
Three blind mice in a kitchen
Sent the ladlady screamin’ and twitchin’.
Surely if I introduce
Them all to Mother Goose,
She’d write a rhyme that fits their description!
No matter how hard or long he would try,
Jack could jump, but he couldn’t fly.
The idiot insisted,
He broke the candlestick and burned his thigh.
Santa was punishing his elves
By making them dust all the shelves
‘Cause they thought he was kidding
When they’d heard him forbidding
Them from ever touching themselves!
Let me tell you about my uncle Leo
Who never felt any urge to use deo
By the end of the week
My uncle would reek.
And I’d pinch my nose and yell “eo!”
Famed boxer Rocky Balboa
(Quick with his fist but with his brain, much sloa)
Was easily beguiled
Into fathering a child
With a girl (although he swore he didn’t knoa).
After quick coitus, Sir James Slattery
said: “No, it’s not a weak battery.
You just fail to see
that my P.E.
Is actually a form of flattery?”
In one of the famous poetry salons,
A contest for gold, silver, and bronze.
2nd and 3d place went to those
Who wrote impeccable prose
But the true winner also wrote cons!
It is said that one famous Russian
Wanted to settle a long-drawn discussion
So he made a bet
Over a form of roulette
And soon died from cranial concussion.
An old fellow from Japan
Decided to eat more and more bran.
But then his intestines
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
A carpenter by the name of Joseph
Had a son…Oh, wait! You surely know this…
So I better write another
But not about the mother
For this topic is a little corrosive.
Back when human knowledge was vague
A man by the name of McCaig
believing that flowers
possess healing powers
Immediately died of the plague.
The people of the Limerick tribe
Try their best to accurately describe
So please don’t judge them,
Hate or begrudge them,
But you may Comment · Like · Subscribe
Dear mother, we say this to you,
We know the trouble you’re going through.
We don’t mind the whippin’
or the broth that we’re sippin’
But can we please move out of this shoe?!
A Limerick In Synonyms:
In a room overlooking the waterfront
A woman anxiously stared at her timepiece
For at half past cinque
Her beau will be present
At which time she’ll be getting some rooster.
There was a young man from Jakarta
Who absolutely loved cream of tartar
His favorite dish
Consisted of fish
Which he always had as a starter.
Once upon a morning in Troy
The people woke up to find a toy
But the giant horse
Wasn’t a gift, of course,
But rather a Greek decoy.
On a raft lost in the middle of sea
The captain and his parrot disagree.
“But if this damn bird
Repeats what it’s heard,
Does that mean I argue with me?”
A young tiger, quite a beginner
Caught little, and grew much thinner.
If he were any wiser
He’d give up an incisor
And have juicy tooth fairy for dinner!
A tooth fairy cried as she said:
“I wish I would find myself dead!
What kind of creep
Encourages kids to sleep
With a lost tooth under their head?”
I was once at a place I won’t mention
When I felt the need for attention,
So I lowered my pants
And started to dance,
And had to stay afterwards for detention.
When the men and the horses returned
The king ordered them all to be burned.
He said “Don’t beg!
You can’t even save an egg!
And so a lesson must be learned!”
There was once a spirit in flight
That hovered above waters at night
And gained so much vigor,
That its dreams grew bigger
And it demanded: “Let there be light!”
A masochistic girl from Milwaukee
Ended a strange affair with a jockey.
He was always on top
And he whipped her with a crop.
She loved it. She just thought he was cocky.
There was once a 25-year-old stoner
Who claimed to be an organ donor;
But the doctors and nurses
Showered him with curses
When he asked them to inspect his boner.
There was a duckling with feathers black.
Her siblings made her stand in the back,
But when the winter was gone,
She spoke as a swan:
“You bitches shoulda cut me some slack!”
Johnny sat in the kitchen looking grim;
His boyfriend just broke up with him.
He asked with tears in his eyes:
“You’re dumping me for exercise?”
“No! I said I was going to Jim!”
A speedy rabbit (a.k.a. “The Shoes”)
Was challenged and could not refuse.
But he underrated the turtle,
And slept under a myrtle,
And woke up just in time to lose.
There was once a young ventriloquist
Who was always obnoxiously pissed.
For hours on end
He could argue with a friend
But could never talk back to his fist.